I could have loved you
by Kitsilver
Summary: Kassandra knows something is wrong from the moment she sees the Daughters of Artemis behind Daphnae. But was it all a test? Will she ever be able to say what she truly wants to say?


**I could have loved you**

By Kitsilver

Kassandra knows something is wrong from the moment she sees the Daughters of Artemis, fully armed and painted, behind Daphnae. Her smile falters.

"What is going on?"

She does not like the look on Daphnae's face, normally open and happy to see her, now closed. Daphnae turns to her followers. "Sisters, the time of my trial has arrived. I present to you, a challenger! I present," she says, looking back at her, "Kassandra."

Kassandra still doesn't know what's going on. "Daphnae," she says, trying to keep her calm. "Tell me what is going on."

Daphnae meets her eyes and for the first time, Kassandra sees the veil open to reveal...something behind the calm. "It is simple, Kassandra. It is the tradition of the Daughters of Artemis to choose their leaders thus. Those who can hunt the messengers of the Goddess are deemed worthy to challenge. To lead."

"To...lead?" Kassandra hates that she still doesn't understand, but none of this makes _sense._ The moment she and Daphnae shared just minutes ago, when she greeted Kassandra with her usual smile, that gentle kiss, seems so far away now.

Daphnae smiles again, but with irony. "You must defeat me in mortal combat, Kassandra, and take my place as leader of the Daughters of Artemis."

"Defeat you!" Kassandra bursts out. She opens her arms wide. "I never asked to lead. I do not want to. And I do not want to fight you."

"You must," Daphnae insists, stepping closer. Kassandra can see the full range of emotions in her eyes now: frustration, worry, pain. "You have passed the test. You have killed the messengers. You _are_ the one I was looking for." Her voice softens and her eyes linger, as if reliving that long ago day. "Warrior and huntress both. Straddling the line between gods and men. It _was_ you all along."

"Is that all it was then?" Kassandra cannot keep her voice from breaking, cannot keep the pain from surfacing. "All those hunts were nothing more than a test. That is all I am to you?"

All at once, every conversation she and Daphnae have had over the past months come rushing to the fore. Kassandra can see that first meeting in her mind's eye, when Daphnae challenged her to hunt down the greatest creatures in the land. Remembers returning with her first pelt and seeing the smile on Daphnae's face, the light in her green-brown eyes.

"Beast slayer," she would always say. "It is good to see you again."

And Kassandra would puff up with pride, proud to present her trophy. But what began as a challenge, a way to prove herself against the strongest, most cunning beasts of the natural world, became something more. She would share stories of her hunts, and Daphnae's eyes would light up, and she would wish that she could have been there to witness the power and beauty and grace of the legendary beasts. Daphnae wasn't always alone when Kassandra returned. One time she found Daphnae training her sisters and was dared to challenge the warriors in archery, staff fighting, shooting from horseback, and other feats of skill, endurance, and strength. Kassandra did not win every challenge, but she won more than she lost, and she was a fierce contender in them all. She remembers looking at Daphnae and feeling the warmth of happiness in her chest at the look of pride on Daphnae's face.

She remembers the tender moments too. Though months would sometimes pass between their meetings, the welcome on Daphnae's face was always the same. And gradually those moments of camaraderie, those shared stories of hunts and battles, became something more. They spoke the same words, but to Kassandra it felt like something was growing between them, something like understanding or family. And one day she leaned in, unable to resist the touch she had been aching for, and kissed Daphnae gently, so gently, on the lips. Her lips were soft and warm as they brushed against hers, a greeting, and Kassandra brought her hand up to tangle in Daphnae's hair. They kissed long and slow, and when they broke apart they were panting, but a kiss was all it would ever be. Though she could see the desire in Daphnae's green-brown eyes, feel her skin shiver when Kassandra's fingers trailed along her shoulders, her arms. One kiss was all she would ever allow. Though Kassandra ached to pull the woman into her arms and give her everything, all the pleasure she was capable of giving, she could feel the space that Daphnae always kept between them. And she understood. She respected. Never pushed for more than she was willing to give. It was enough, holding her after a kiss that felt like _hello_ and _welcome back_ and _I've missed you_ all in one, and she was content. There would be time for whatever this was to develop into something more.

Had she imagined it, their last kiss? From what seems like a lifetime ago when Kassandra had brought her the last two pelts from her hunt, and instead of gladness, there was sadness in her eyes that Kassandra was not used to seeing. After they had kissed, Daphnae had held her more tightly than normal and said, "I did not think you would return."

Kassandra had lifted her chin so she could look her in the eyes. "No amount of danger could ever keep me from you."

Was that all a lie? Had every moment they shared been nothing more than a test?

Kassandra looks at Daphnae, who stands before her now with warriors behind her, and begs her for an answer. Daphnae says nothing, only looks at Kassandra with pain on her face. Kassandra's heart breaks when she sees the tears welling in her eyes, when she clenches her eyes shut and shakes her head.

 _No, then. It wasn't all a test._ Still her heart lies heavy in her chest. _Not all of it._

"But that does not change what must be done," Daphnae says at last. "You must defeat me, and claim your role as leader, or leave here and never return."

"But why, Daphnae?" Kassandra steps closer, hoping to make Daphnae see. "What purpose does this serve? Why must I fight you for a position I do not even want?"

"I do not make the rules," Daphnae says. "I can only follow the will of the gods." Her warriors had begun to step closer as Kassandra approached, but Daphnae waves them back. They are several feet away when Kassandra stands before Daphnae.

"You do not have to do this."

"It is tradition." Stubborn, so stubborn.

Kassandra's blood boils, and all she can think about is how tradition and the gods tore her family apart. It would not do so now. " _Malákes_ to the gods, to tradition! I will not kill you simply because they say so."

"You will not spite the gods before me," Daphnae shouts, standing at her full height to challenge her. "I have _sworn_ , Kassandra, to follow the Goddess wherever she will lead me. To do her will whatever it may be. I have dedicated my _life_ to her. To my sisters. You will not dishonor me before the gods now!"

"Daphnae..." Kassandra whispers her name, as if with that one word she can communicate everything she is trying to say. "I cannot kill you. We are..." _What are they?_ "Friends." It is a word completely lacking to describe what Daphnae is to her, but she can think of no other.

Perhaps it is enough after all, because Daphnae's shoulders droop and her anger seems to melt away. "And I cherish our...friendship," and Kassandra knows she doesn't imagine the grief in her voice, the sob that catches in the back of her throat, "but I must stay loyal to Artemis, to our traditions."

" _Malákes,_ tradition, _"_ Kassandra grits out, fighting back tears. She steps closer until they are close enough to touch. "I will _not_ take the life of someone I respect, I admire, I..."

 _Love._ The word chokes in her throat. _Someone I love. By the gods, why didn't I realize it until now?_

"Would you spit in the eyes of the gods?" Her voice is angry, but there is pain too, and tears heavy in her eyes. Kassandra cannot help but reach forward and put one hand gently on her cheek. To comfort, to hold. She cannot bear to see her in pain.

"Daphnae," Kassandra whispers, her voice low. "From the moment we met, I—" she shakes her head, trying to find the right words. "I could love you," she finally whispers, leaning her head against Daphnae. "Tell me you don't feel it too."

Daphnae chokes down a sob and grabs Kassandra's hands in hers. "Why are you doing this?" She asks, voice ragged. "You are killing me!"

"Daphnae..." Kassandra finally pulls her in close, wrapping her hand around the back of Daphnae's neck and pulling her in until their lips meet. It is a hot, passionate, and desperate kiss. Everything Kassandra cannot say, every desperate hope that beats in her heart, pours out of her through that kiss. Daphnae's hand comes up to her chest, holds her tightly, and kisses her back.

But only for a moment.

Daphnae pushes her away. "No!" She yells as Kassandra stumbles back. Tears are falling freely now, and her voice is heavy with grief, but it does not falter. "I will not defy Artemis, though it may break my heart. I pledged myself to her long ago."

"But Daphnae!"

 _Please._

She does not know what else to say.

Daphnae takes a few deep breaths. "I will not break my vow." She bows. "I'm sorry..."

Kassandra says nothing, but her heart is breaking, and there is nothing left to say.

"Go!" Daphnae cries, gesturing wildly. "And do not return." Kassandra closes her eyes, tears still falling, and turns away. "If I see you again, I will kill you."

With a heavy, aching heart, Kassandra walks away. The sound of leaves breaking beneath her feet the only thing she hears.


End file.
